oleander72

I have been waiting for almost a month to post this one-shot, entitled Burning Man, that I submitted for MsKathy's wonderful Haiti Relief project.  Since FFN is in epic fail mode, I thought I'd post it here first, not that anyone reads this, but at least it's out.



Holy shit, that burns! I screamed, or at least I tried to scream. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything but burn.

It started off like a tiny spark, like when I light the fire in the wood stove for Ma, but now it feels more like I’m stuck in the coffers of a steam engine.

The past few minutes, or has it been hours? Days? Weeks? Hell, how long had I been trapped like this? Whatever time had passed, it had been bizarre; I sort of remember going hunting with the boys, and maybe we had gotten into the whiskey, or not, I really don’t remember. I DO remember the bear that snuck up on me. The damn thing sucker-punched me and tried to turn me into breakfast. I tried fighting it off but the damn thing shredded me pretty good.

And then I saw her—the angel.

Ah shit, there’s my answer right there. I’m dead. If I saw an angel then I must have died, and if I’m burning, I must be in Hell. Ma was right.
Goddamnit! Oops, sorry Big Guy in the sky.

I have to be wrong, right? I mean, an angel that beautiful couldn’t belong in hell, could it? She killed the bear with her bare hands or was it her teeth? I don’t know. All I know is that she killed it, picked me up, and started running faster than the horses at the Independence Day races in the city.

There were flashes of gold too; I think it was her eyes. I don’t know, I mean, it was like we flew someplace and this man with golden eyes was whispering about it being too late, then the angel stomped her foot and said she wanted me.

Wanted me? What good was I to her now? I was in an inferno. I was paralyzed. I was probably dead or worse, IMPOTENT!

Voices drifted in and out of focus and none of what I thought I was hearing made sense. Ma said it was rude to eavesdrop, but...MA! She was going to be worried sick! And who was going to chop the wood or go hunting for meat in the lean months to feed her and the little ones.

She was gonna be more than a little annoyed with me.

DAMN, that burns!

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it macaroni

Hmm...why the hell did he call it macaroni? What is it about a hat and a feather that would lead someone to call it macaroni? I think that Yankee Doodle got into the moonshine.

Reciting poetry, singing songs, and going over the Pledge of Allegiance wasn’t helping with taking my mind off the infernal burning either. The only thing that offered any kind of reprieve was focusing on the angel’s voice.

“He’s going to be okay, isn’t he, Carlisle?”

“I don’t know, dear. We’ll know better when the transformation is complete. He appears to be a strong, sturdy lad, so I would imagine that he will be fine. Don’t worry, sweetie. Wipe that frown off your face. Talk to him; let him know he’s not alone. Maybe if he recognizes your voice when he comes out of it, he’ll be less afraid, less volatile.”

Afraid? Me? Emmett McCarty fears no one and no thing. Even that damn bear didn’t scare me. I wasn’t afraid of it; it was more of a challenge than anything.

Holy shit—enough with the damn burning. This is getting a little annoying. Oh, wait, what was that? Cool breeze? Mm...that helps a bit. I wonder what it is.

“I’m sorry, I hope you don’t hate me when you wake up. I know I’m being kind of hypocritical because no one gave me the choice, and I totally stole that from you. Please don’t hate me.

“God, I saw that bear mauling you and I just couldn’t stop myself, there’s something about you, mystery man, I’m drawn to you, which is strange in and of itself because...” she choked quietly, “because I don’t usually trust men.”

Why does my angel not trust men? What did they do to her? I'll kill them all.

“Rosalie?”

Ah, my angel’s name is Rosalie, but who is that other male voice?

My angel sighed and sounded annoyed. “What, Edward?”

“He’s going to be okay. I can hear him and you’re doing a good job of calming him down. He likes hearing you speak and he’s already feeling very protective of you. My advice to you right now, though, is to stop playing with his hair so much or else he’s going to be bald, and I know how much you love his silky curls.”

I heard my angel growl and it was kind of sexy.

“Shut up, Edward.”

The Edward guy laughed. “He’s an interesting creature, Rose. I think you two are well-suited for each other. I'll keep listening to let you know if something is wrong.”

“Thanks, Edward. Oh, can you please stay out of my head for a while? I’d like a few moments to myself.”

“Of course. You know where to find me if you need me.”

So, it seems that this Edward guy annoys my angel and can read minds. Man, I MUST be dreaming, or I’m in Hell, or...HOLY SHIT! ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN BURNING! Is it ever going to stop?

Ma always said that pain is many things, but its most important purpose is to remind us that we’re still alive. I’m starting to think, though, that if this is all I have left to look forward to, maybe I don’t want to go on.

“I wish I knew your name, big guy,” my angel whispered, taking my mind off my agony for a moment. “I wish I knew who you were. I’m really sorry; I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Why doesn’t she keep asking for my forgiveness? She didn’t hurt me, the damn bear did. I've probably got the rabies.

“I can’t wait for you to open your eyes so I can explain everything to you, and hopefully get to know you.”

There was silence for a long time. I knew she wasn’t far away because I could sense her. I don’t know how, but I knew she was near. I needed her to keep talking, to take away the pain, to douse the fire that was consuming me.

One hundred bottles of beer on the wall
One hundred bottles of beer
You take one down, pass it around
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall...
...Sixty bottles of beer on the wall
Sixty bottles of beer
You take one down, pass it around
Fifty-nine bottles of beer on the...

“ENOUGH! Please! Rosalie, talk to him. He’s singing the world’s most annoying song. Okay, big guy, I know you can hear me, so please do me a favour and stop singing!”

I chuckled. This guy was easy to annoy. I could really drive him nuts if I wanted to. Heh heh.

“Oh, dear God, Rose, if he spends eternity making my life hell, you’re going to pay. I will make it my life’s mission.”

“Edward?” My angel asked quietly. “Do you know his name?”

Eddie? My name is Emmett McCarty. Please tell me what’s happening and please tell the angel to keep talking; it doesn’t burn as hard when she does.

“Rose, his name is Emmett McCarty. He says that when you talk he doesn’t burn as bad, and he wants to know what’s happening. He also refers to you as an angel. Pfft.”

“He won’t think I’m an angel for long. What do I do, Edward? Do I tell him now? Can you get Carlisle?”

“Okay, I daresay our new friend Emma here is nearing the end. Did you notice the change in his heartbeat?”

“His name is Emmett, not Emma,” she scolded, making me chuckle.

“If he insists on calling me Eddie, I shall persist on calling him Emma. If you’ll excuse me, I'll go get Carlisle.”

“Hi, Emmett, I’m glad you have a name now, it makes it easier to talk to you.”

And she did talk to me. She talked about who lived in the house, about her likes and dislikes, she sang songs to me, and it helped. I could feel the fire retreating from my limbs but soon it was centered in my chest and my heart started to race from the intensity of the pain.

“CARLISLE? ESME? EDWARD? Something’s going on,” she called out. She sounded nervous. Angels should never be nervous or sad. When I snapped out of this, I would make sure that she smiled all the time.

“Emmett, son? My name is Carlisle Cullen and I’m a doctor. I just wanted you to know that you’re doing fine. Your heart is being rapidly and that’s normal at this stage of the process. Try not to fight what’s happening, it will make it easier.”

Okay.

“What’s he thinking, Edward?” An unfamiliar female voice asked.

“He just thought okay to what Carlisle said, and now he’s wondering who you are.”

“Oh goodness, how rude of me. Hello, Emmett dear, my name is Esme Cullen; I’m Carlisle’s wife and, well, sort of a mother figure to Rosalie and Edward. Hopefully you’ll learn to look at me the same way. I’m looking forward to meeting you.”

Hi, Esme. I’d wave or hug you but I can’t move. I'll do that when all this shit...crap is over. Sorry, didn’t mean to cuss.

Edward chuckled. “Esme, he said he would wave at you or hug you, but he can’t, he’ll catch you later. Then he cussed.”

Tattletale.

“Now he’s calling me a tattletale.”

Edward? I’m scared. Don’t tell the others, but I think I’m going to die. My heart is going so fast that I really don’t think it will last much longer. Please don’t tell them, I’m begging you. I’m not used to being scared.

“Guys, can you vacate for a few minutes? I need to have a brotherly talk with Emmett. I promise to call you back the second we’re done, okay? And please, no listening.”

The angel grumbled, but I heard them leave. Edward waited for a minute before he started talking.

“Emmett, you ARE going to die, but don’t be scared. It’s just your human life ending. It’ll mark the beginning of a whole new life that I think you’re really going to enjoy. Once the burning is over, you’ll be better than new. I was going to let them explain everything to you, but it’s getting kind of late for that. First and foremost, I want you to know there’s no reason to be scared. We won’t hurt you, so don’t be too afraid, okay?”

Okay, but how do you know?

“Because I was where you are not that long ago and I remember the burn like it was yesterday. We’ve all burned, brother. One of us will be with you until it’s over, okay?”

But what’s happening to me? I don’t get it. How did I get here? Why is this happening?

“Rosalie carried you back to see Carlisle because you were going to die. She saw something in you that she liked, so instead of letting nature run its course, she brought you back, hoping he could help you.

“Emmett, when you come out of this, when the burning stops and your heart stops beating, you will no longer be human. Your body is in transition, you are passing into the new phase of your life. You’re becoming a vampire.”

As in Dracula?

He chuckled. “Yeah, kind of like Dracula, but different.”

Is Rose a vampire too?

“Yes.”

And you?

“Yes.”

Carlisle and Esme?

He sighed and sounded like he was losing patience with me. “Yes, Emmett, we’re all vampires, but not so much in the traditional sense. I'll let them explain that to you when you’re up.”

Okay. Oh, wait. My angel? Rosalie? Is she...is she as beautiful as I remembered? I mean, I didn’t see much of her, but I just want to know.

Edward sighed. “I hope she’s not listening, because I'll never hear the end of it, but yes, she’ll be even more stunning than you recalled. Now, you need clothes—do you have a preference?”

Am I naked? Holy shit! Your mom and sister didn’t see...

“No, Emmett, they haven’t, and if you don’t want them to, you need to tell me what you want to wear.”

I’m not picky, Ma always made my clothes. Just don’t put me in a dress, okay?

“Okay,” Edward said, laughing, “although I have to say that if Rose wouldn’t tear off my testicles and burn them, I might have considered it.”

Just then a terrible flash of pain left me reeling and disoriented.

“You alright, Emmett?”

Hurry and get me some clothes. I can’t hang on much longer.

“You’ll be okay, brother. I'll be right back.”

My heart continued racing for God knows how long before it stuttered. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t hear anyone talking to me, but could feel them and I hung onto that until my heart coughed, sputtered, and finally stopped.

I’m dead.

Wait. The burning stopped.

Is that my big toe? Oh, hello Emmett Junior.

Bit by bit I felt my body coming back to life. Instead of fire coursing through my veins, it felt like cool water and it was soothing. My throat, however, was another story. It felt dry and it burned almost worse than my chest had.

“Emmett?”

My angel.

“Edward?” she asked nervously.

“He recognizes your voice, well, he called you his angel, which is what he was calling you earlier. Hey, Emmett?”

Edward, right?

“He recognizes me too. Emmett, brother, can you open your eyes? Do it slowly, though, you’re probably going to be a little overwhelmed.”

Okay, come on eyes, open up. I want to see the angel.

Slowly, I managed to crack them open a little, and Eddie wasn’t wrong when he said I’d be overwhelmed. It was bright and man, I could see every single detail of the ceiling. It was a nice one, not like the one in...where was I thinking of?

Hmm...that’s odd.

Alrighty, where’s the angel?

As if she heard me, the most magnificent creature I’d ever laid my eyes on came into my line of vision and I knew that I’d died and gone to heaven. Her hair was spun gold and her eyes...is that even an eye colour? Who has eyes THAT golden? Mm...those lips...is it wrong that I want to kiss them?

“Rose, you might want to step back, he’s thinking about kissing you.”

“Good,” she said, licking her lips, “because I've been waiting for this moment for the past three days.”

She leaned in and kissed me, gently at first, but it soon intensified and I felt myself responding to it. My arms rose slowly and I planted my hands in her silky hair, and my little soldier stood at full attention.

Edward?

“Yes, Emmett?”

Can you guys please leave the room for a while?

Edward laughed aloud. “Yes, and thank you, Emmett. Carlisle, Esme, he’s fine. We need to give them some, er, space. Rose, please call us when you’re done.”

Thanks, brother.

“Welcome to the family, Emmett McCarty.”


copyright Leelan Oleander 2010

There's really no excuse for my recent absence other than the last two times I've tried to post something, a bus has driven by and I've lost my wi-fi connection.  Oh, and I've been kind of flat out with vertigo for the past month and a half.

Oh, and I've been writing, and reading, and reading, and reading, and been to a couple of movies, and done some reading.

Let's see...what's new...

• My fanfic Encore is now up to chapter 21, and the response has been great.  It will start being posted on Twilighted in the next week or so as well.  I can't wait to get everyone's reactions to it over there, since the FFN gang has been so receptive.  The wonderful AidanPaulMomma has done up some great promo pieces for it, I'll post them at the bottom.  :)
• I've just set in motion the apocalypse and have joined Twitter (you can find me at leelan_oleander) since so many other wonderful FF folks are on there, and I seem to be missing out on a lot of news.
• There is A LOT of craziness going on over at fanfiction.net.  I can't even go into it because it's just too crazy.  Seems that book burning has translated to online fanfiction, and the lynch mob is upon us with their torches blazing.
• I've actually started working on a possible follow up to Road Maps that meets up with the gang 14 years later.  This fic is completely from Peanut's POV.
• I contributed my first vampfic for the Haiti Relief Project; it's Emmett's transformation.  I always figured his inner monologue would be interesting as he burned up from the venom.  It is being posted on FF tomorrow, and it's called Burning Man.
• Angstward has been brooding more than usual because he's been stuck in the broody drawer a lot since I took ill.  He's been out once since Christmas, we went sliding at my brother's house.  As you can see, he was typical, over-dramatic Angstward...

I am a complete and total music snob, so NO!  I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who had horrific taste in music.  It was bad enough living with a roommate for a few months who had TERRIBLE taste in music (and a HUGE stereo system), but eternity?  Hells no!  It would be like living in, well, HELL.  I wouldn't have to fear death or what's on the other side because I would have already lived the horrors.

Hands down, it would have to be Pearl Jam.  To spend even a moment of time creating music/art with Eddie Vedder, to have just a few minutes to bask in his genius (god, I am such a fangirl!) would be truly a life-altering moment.

I think I would have liked to have been a part of the Ten/VS/Vitalogy era of the band, when they were rawer, rougher, and flannel shirts were woven with angst.

Uhm, yeah...me and the holidays don't really get along.  I don't know exactly why...although I think I might have an idea,.   Since a young age, Christmas has sort of been a dark time for me.  I used to get migraines when I was a kid on Christmas Day, I'd want to eat dinner by myself, and hide all day.  I come from a relatively big family and I have never done well with large gatherings so it's always been kind of painful for me to sit down and eat dinner with a large crowd. I try not to be Grinchy, and I keep hoping that one year I'll stop feeling so rotten and be able to enjoy it.  I just wish people would stop freaking out about it and stop trying to impose it on me.  My co-workers pick on me to no end about it.  Sigh.  The harder people try to push it on me, the worse it is. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE giving gifts.  It's the only thing I really like about Christmas.  In fact, I should get back to work on knitting my mother's scarf.  Seriously, though, the best part of the holidays is making/buying gifts and seeing the looks on people's faces when they open something you've made or bought for them. Just the same, it ain't easy being charcoal in a red and green world.  ;)

Merry Ho Ho and all that crap. I'm not big on Christmas, so you'll have to excuse me if i let Angstward do all the rejoicing and decking the halls.




I've been trying to pimp out my latest fanfic, and even though there aren't many people who read my LJ, I thought i'd try throwing it out there anyway. What can it hurt, right?

The story is called ENCORE, it's a Twific replete with lots of heartfail, some laughs, and hope.

Edward left Bella at probably the worst time someone could run away. What caused him to run, and what's gone on over the years they were apart.

It's rated M.

Encore-Chapter One

Bella

Crap. Not again. Please, for the love of all things holy, not again. I am so not in the mood for this bullshit today.

Mustering all the courage I could find in my petite frame, I approached him. “Uhm, excuse me, sir? Yes, you: the one with his pants around his ankles whacking off to the covers of the movies. Uhm, yeah, I’m getting really tired of kicking you out of my store. Why can’t you just buy a movie and do your business at home instead of in the store, where I end up having to clean your disgusting spunk off the merchandise? Contrary to popular belief, people who watch porn don’t necessarily enjoy renting crusty movies.”

The short, round, hairy, smelly, crusty-nosed man looked sheepishly at his feet and mumbled something I couldn’t quite catch. I figured it was best to get this out now before I lost my nerve.

“Look, I know it’s not my business to pass judgment, especially since we are in an adult video store, but when you’re jerking off in my store, while I’m working, and making the other patrons run out of here gagging, I feel compelled to act. So again, sir, I’m going to ask you to put your wang back into your crusty tighty-whities and leave. I don’t want to see you in here again, capice?”

The man nodded as he packed his loaded weapon back into his underpants. “Sorry, miss.”

A part of me, albeit a very small one, felt bad for him. “I know you’re sorry, but you can’t keep doing this. If I give you a magazine, will you promise not to come back for a very long time?”

“Okay,” he said, smiling.

“Come on, and keep your hands to yourself.”

I escorted the bedraggled man to the front counter, rummaged around to find a couple of very old skin mags, and handed them to him. “Here, now go jerk off someplace else.”

I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the man hid the magazines in his coat and lumbered out the door. It wasn’t just what he’d done, but he smelled so bad that the entire store reeked of dirty underpants.

I heard the electronic chimes go off at the door and cringed, fearing it was him again, but instead I was happy to see it was my best friend Alice.

“Bells, was that The Stroker?”

“Yeah, Ali, it was. I busted him over in the Wet Cotton Panties section.”

“Yuck! Actually, double-yuck. I hate that word.”

Teasing Alice was too easy. I totally knew what word she was referring to, and frankly, I hate it too. I suppose that comes with working at the porn store for so long. “What word? Wet? Cotton? P...”

Alice ran behind the counter and cupped her tiny hand over my mouth. “Don’t say it. I hate the P-word.”

Nipping at her fingers, I shouted the word aloud. “Panties.”

“Ew! Bella!”

I hopped up on the white pressboard countertop and watched the dark-haired pixie frig around with the security monitor.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to see.”

Grabbing the first thing I could find, I whacked her on the head with a dildo. “Don’t be so gross, Ali.”

Hands on hips, Alice pouted at me. “The Stroker only ever shows up when you or Jasper or Tyler are working; I never get to see him in action.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to,” I said, shuddering. “Why, Alice? Why would you even want to see that?”

“I’m starting to think he’s just a figment of your imagination.”

“Actually, he’s a composite character constructed and created to cause you to question your sanity. Of course, he’s freakin’ real! I've had to mop up enough of his jizz over the past couple of years to keep a sperm bank in business; not that anyone would want to make babies with him—they’d be all short, dirty, crusty, and pervy.”

“Don’t forget hairy and smell...OH MY GOD! MY EYES!” Alice cried out, covering her face with her small hands.

I couldn’t help it; it’s like that sick need to look at the mangled body on the side of the road after a pedestrian is ploughed down. I looked over at the grainy playback on the monitor and felt lunch coming back up on me.

Alice had to be stopped. Before I could barf, I grabbed the remote control and turned off the vision of grossness on the black and white screen.

“I warned you, Ali,” I said, trying to swallow the bile burning in the back of my throat.

“Ugh, I think I've gone blind, Bells!”

The electronic chime went off again. Being the super manager that I am, I jumped down from the pressboard counter and assumed my spot by the cash terminal before spinning around on the stool to greet the customer.

It wasn’t The Stroker, in fact, it was one of my favourite people on the planet. “Alfie! How’s my favourite guy today?”

The elderly man with the infectious smile walked toward the counter, his pale blue eyes sparkling under the harsh fluorescent lighting. “Sunshine! How are you?”

I couldn’t contain the smile that plastered my face as I ran around the gate to give him a hug. “I’m better now, Alfie. You didn’t answer my question, though. How are you?”

“Much like you, I’m better now. Hey, is that my little pixie hiding back there?”

Alice waved, blushing. “Hi, Alfie. Do I get a hug too?”

“Of course, sweetie. Come here and give me some love before that beautiful boyfriend of yours shows up.”

I stepped back to allow my best friend some time with our favourite guy over sixty.

“Jasper’s not in until five,” Alice told him.

“Oh, poo, I'll have to come back later to get my ogle in,” he said, waggling his bushy grey eyebrows.

Alice snickered, before playfully slapping his on the arm. “Are you trying to steal my man?”

“Mm...I wouldn’t mind,” he replied, winking at her, “if he wasn’t so head over heels for you.”

I couldn’t help myself, I gagged. Alfie turned his attention back to me and smiled warmly. “Don’t worry, Sunshine, your prince will come soon.”

“Pfft...” I blew a raspberry at him before turning back to the new shipment of sex toys that needed to be priced.

Working at an adult video store might sound like an unconventional job for a graduate student, but it helped pay the bills. I have to admit, I had been terribly shy and prudish at first, but it wasn’t too long before spending hours surrounded by dildos, vibrators, pocket pussies, and anal beads was second nature.

In the two years that I've worked in the electric pink and black box they called a store I could still proudly say that I had yet to watch a single porno. When customers asked for recommendations, I’d refer to the ones Alice and her boyfriend Jasper had watched, or ones I’d read about online. Jasper teased me about it all the time, but I really had no urge to watch people getting it on, especially since I wasn’t getting any myself. My classmates were always joking around about how I have the best job in the world and it was being wasted because I wasn’t taking advantage of it.

Oh, I was taking advantage of it; I have a pleasure chest back home filled with an impressive collection of toys, oils, lubes, and lingerie. Sadly, I don’t have anyone to share them with. I mean self-gratification can only get you so far; sometimes you need to trade in the fantasy for something corporeal.

A noise snapped me out of my thoughts and I groaned. “Alice, stop violating the Jenna Jameson stump with the rubber fist! I don’t want to have to explain to head office about how another one got torn.”

“You’re no fun at all!” she replied.

Alfie laughed. “Sunshine, she was just demonstrating something she and Jasper...”

Oh no he didn’t. The mental pictures started racing through my head. “LA LA LA LA LA! I can’t hear you!”

“She’s such a prude, sometimes,” Alice said just loud enough for me to hear. Alfie snorted.

Time to play the assistant manager’s card, I thought. “Alice, is there a reason you’re here on your day off?”

“Yeah, I’m here to torment you.”

“Well, if you’re going to be here, could you help me with the inventory? You know, make yourself useful?”

Alice sighed heavily as she returned the rubber fist to his perch on the wall. “Sorry, Fisty, the boss has spoken.”

“Fisty will survive, Ali. So, Alfie, did you want the movies you requested?”

“Oh, I sure do! Which ones came in?”

I rifled through the stack of new arrivals. “Well, it seems The Suite Life on Dick has arrived. Oh, dear Lord, there are blond twins who look like older versions of Zack and Cody.”

Alice ran over. “Let me see!” After grabbing it and scrutinizing it, she started to giggle. “Oh my God, they do! Oh, and the Mr. Moseby character is...oh, dear...”

“Are you blushing, Ali?” I couldn’t help but tease her. “What’s got you so flustered?”

Thrusting the movie back into my hands, Alice grabbed a clipboard and headed toward a wall of novelties. "You’ll never look at Mr. Moseby the same way again. Trust me.”

Curiosity got the best of me again and I couldn’t stop the blush creeping up my cheeks. “Well, shit, Mr. M, you’re hung like a horse...oh dear God is he...?”

Alfie laughed. “Yes, Sunshine, he’s inspecting the poop deck.”

I playfully slapped his hand. “How can someone so sweet be so devious?”

“Just ring up the movies, dear, and I'll be out of your pretty brown hair.”

I rang them up without looking at the other titles, slipped them into a discreet black bag, and took his money. I couldn’t help but smile warmly at him as he turned to leave. “Well, have a great night, Alfie.”

“You too, Sunshine, and you too, Pixie. Give that sex god boyfriend of yours a kiss for me.”

“I will. See you later.”
After our elderly friend left, I grabbed a second clipboard and joined Alice at the novelty wall.

“You know, if I didn’t adore that man, I’d have found that whole transaction disturbing,” I said to Alice as she counted penis shot cups, or as she called them, shot cocks.

“He’s just so sweet; it’s hard to believe he watches so much porn.”

I coughed. “Pot meet kettle.”

I watched as Alice whipped around to face me, her hands on her hips. “What the holy hell is that supposed to mean? Are you saying that I watch too much porn?”

“Maybe, but same thing applies,” I pinched one of Alice’s rosy cheeks. “I adore you, so I don’t find you all that disturbing.”

“You’re just jealous because Jasper and I have a wonderful, vibrant, healthy, and terrific sex life.”

“Hardly,” I mumbled as my eyes reflexively rolled. I turned my eyes back to the wall of tacky, overpriced, and potentially toxic novelty items and went back to counting and making notations on my count sheet. After the novelties were finished, I moved on to the jelly dongs. “Hey, Ali, I’m going to do the jelly dongs now.”

When Alice turned back to me wearing breast-shaped glasses, it was hard to suppress a loud snort.

“God, I love you, Pixie. Can you finish up with these then hit the vibrators?”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Alice said, snapping to attention.

Laughing, I shook my head and ducked into the dong section. Rainbow-coloured dildos of all shapes and sizes met me and reminded me of the first time I’d seen the selection and giggled. Oh, how times had changed. I had been so wide-eyed and nervous for those first couple of months. It’s not as if I was a pure as snow virgin, because I had had my share of hot, sticky, steamy sex, and it’s not as if I’d never seen a porno movie; an old friend had educated me at an early age. It was just a little overwhelming when you’re an easy-to-blush, non-practicing sexual being thrust into a world that revolved around sex, both the traditional and the depraved.

There were many nights at first when the hot pink and black walls made me feel trapped and sometimes made me feel sorry for myself for being single. In time, though, I became desensitized to most of it, in fact, the more I learned about it, made it more clinical, the easier it became to be around it all, including the store mascot, Fisty, a silicone fist-shaped dildo.

How had Isabella Marie Swan, graduate student, ended up working here in the first place? The answer was that my scholarship only covered so much and the hours at the shop were flexible, not to mention it wasn’t all that busy all the time, so it was a great place for studying and doing school work. It was also a great place to do research; I am Creative Writing major and there is no better place for working on character studies.

The electronic chime brought me back out of my head again and back into reality. I’d been spacing a lot; maybe I should start taking those pills I hate so much again. I flipped my long brown hair over my shoulder and began walking toward the two customers until I heard a familiar voice.

“Excuse me, miss, um, we’re looking for some things for my friend’s stag party. Can you help?”

Alice popped her head out from behind the wall of expensive vibrators with animal names, and her jaw dropped.
I swear I heard it hit the floor.

“Uh, what?” Alice said.

Oh how I wished desperately that I could fade into the racks of silicone dongs, but I wasn’t a sex toy chameleon, it wasn’t going to happen.

Why? Why? Why? I screamed silently. Why my store? Why not when someone else was working? I can’t do this. FRAK!

“Bella?”

Shit. “Hi,” I said quietly as I stepped out.

“Is that a dildo in your hand or are you just happy to see me?”
Looking down, I realized what he was talking about; I was gripping a bright purple double-ender in my hand.

“Hi, Emmett,” I tried to say aloud, before putting down the sex toy, but it only came out as a whisper. My head was spinning, my heart was racing, and I could feel my chest beginning to tighten. Not now, not now, not here, not now.

“Aren’t you going to give me a hug?” he asked.

“Um, sure.”

He held his arms open to encourage me, and I wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and squeeze the shit out of him. It was all I could do not to; I didn’t know how he would react and frankly, I was scared. Was he still pissed off at me? It had been so long...

Big arms wrapped around me, my heart clenched, and I wanted to cry. It felt almost like home; it was like being next door to home—you’re there, but not quite.

“I've missed you so much, B...” he said, his big hands rubbing my back, and it felt as if the last word got tangled in my hair.

Not the nickname, please...you’re too close and I swear I'll fall apart if you say it. Please, not here, not now, I pleaded with him silently.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking, Baby Girl.”

As hard as I tried to keep everything in check, those two words broke me. A dam burst and I felt myself beginning to break apart. “I...I...can’t...” I said, panting, as I tried to pull out of his arms. He held me tighter, just like he had back in the day, and just like back then, I could feel myself being lulled into a false sense of security.

“Baby Girl, it’s me...it’s your Emmy. Come on,” he said, trying to calm me down.

“Um, Bella,” Alice said. I had forgotten she was even still there. “I can take care of this other gentleman if you two need to step out.”

Other gentleman? As I turned around one word rang through my head like a gunshot before I felt the floor rushing to meet me.

“Edward?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edward

I think I just saw a fucking ghost.

Emmett and I were on a hunt for gag stuff for Mike Newton’s bachelor party when we stumbled across X-plosive Video. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go in, but Emmett insisted. He’s the porn king of the family and used to places like that, but not me. No prude by any standards, I had lost my virginity to the ghost I had just seen when I was 14 years old.

Bella Swan was the last person I ever expected to see in an adult video store. In fact, I had never expected to see her again.

God, I can’t think about that now. I need to get out of here, I need to get my brother and go home and forget this happened. But no, Emmett jumps to her rescue, because he can, and he carries her off, leaving me behind with my panic. My chest tightened, I started wheezing, and I fumbled in my messenger bag for my pills. Why couldn’t I be the one who scooped her up and carried her off like a hero?

Oh, that’s right, I’m not the hero. I’m the bad guy. I committed the worse transgression a person could ever do; I left my soul mate when she needed me most. I ran like a coward. I...
Stop! Stop thinking. Not here, not now.

Bella’s friend disappeared out back with them, leaving me standing awkwardly in a puddle of panic. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just bail on my brother.

The tiny dark-haired girl skipped back into the store, stopped, and looked me over. I observed her closely in return. She was tiny, probably not even five feet tall; her black hair was streaked with a really deep red; her clothes were feminine but not girly. Her pale grey eyes looked through me, inspecting me, dissecting me. She obviously had an idea as to who I was.

“I know who you are,” she said, as if reading my mind.

“I can’t say the same.”

“I’m Alice, Bella’s best friend. I really have nothing to say to you right now, otherwise I will probably tear open your scrotal sac, remove your testicles one at a time, and use them as bocci balls while you watch.”

I felt my nuts tighten up and threaten to move into my abdominal cavity.

“What do you need?” she asked.

“Excuse me?”

“Emmett said to hook you up with shit for the bachelor party. What do you need?”

“Oh,” I said, finally understanding her. Fumbling around in my bag, I finally found the list of things we needed to purchase. I handed it to Alice with a shaking hand, “here.”

Alice pranced around the store, filling her arms with the various items on the list. When she finished she threw them onto the counter and started ringing them in.

“Is she...?”

“DON’T,” she replied tersely.

“But...”

“Do not speak to me, Edward. Not now.”

I handed her my credit card when she rattled off the total. As soon as I’d signed off, she thrust three large black bags at me and told me to leave, that Emmett would call when he was ready.

“Thank you, Alice.”

“Don’t thank me, asshole. Just get out.”

While I wasn’t expecting a royal reception, it struck me that Alice’s sense of customer service was greatly lacking. Aw, shit, who was I kidding, she had gone easy on me. I deserved so much worse, and she was right that I have no right to ask about Bella.

Fuck, why had I left her in the first place?

Oh yeah, because I’m a coward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emmett

I carried Bella’s limp body to the back of the store and out into the alley where Alice said we would be okay.

I sat on a fire escape step and cradled her to me. Her breathing was shaky, she was white as a ghost, making the sparse freckles on her nose stand out, and she was trembling. I whispered as I rocked her, hoping she’d snap out of it soon. It wasn’t the first time I’d had to do this, and sad to say it probably wouldn’t be the last.

“Please don’t hurt her,” Alice said quietly, “she’s been through so much already.”

“I know, Little One, I was there for most of it. Hi, I’m Emmett Cullen,” I said, sticking out a hand to the tiny girl. She was super cute and if my arms weren’t balancing Bella, I’d pinch her tiny cheeks.

“Cullen? Oh my God—Edward?” She pointed back toward the store. “That model-gorgeous specimen in there is THE Edward?”

“Yeah. Can you go stock him up with stag party stuff and tell him to go home without me? I'll find a way home later.”

Alice smiled wanly. “Yeah, but if I castrate him, it’s not my fault.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re tough, Little One. I like you.”

“I’m Alice Brandon, and Bella’s best friend. I swear if you hurt...”

Trying to cup my crotch with an armful of dead weight wasn’t easy, but Alice got the idea. “I won’t hurt her, Alice, I swear. I've missed her so much,” I sighed sadly. “Can you deal with my brother please?”

“Gotcha.” Alice gave the still-unconscious Bella a kiss. “I'll bring out some water. Be right back.”

Bella began to stir in my arms so I stroked her hair and sang, You Are My Sunshine to her quietly. She had always liked it when I did that before, maybe it would help her now.

Alice popped back out with a bottle of water and a wet cloth, which I put on her forehead as I sang to her.
“...please don’t take my sunshine away...”

A strange look washed across her face as she regained consciousness. Her deep brown eyes looked around frantically, and when they focussed on my face, she jumped and shouted, “Oh fuck!”

Her eyes were horror-filled, panicked, and sad all at once. She trembled harder, and struggled to get out of my arms.

“Shh...Baby Girl, it’s just me, Emmett. You’re okay, he’s not out here.”

A sob tore through her so violently that I thought she might throw up. I pulled her up to my chest and held her as she cried. She clung to me as if I was the only life raft left in a vast, dark ocean.

“Shh, baby, it’s okay. No one is going to hurt you.”

“I’m sorry, Emmy, I really am.”

My heart broke the second she uttered those words. Why was she apologizing to me? “Why? You didn’t do anything wrong; if anyone should be sorry, it’s me. If I had known you worked here, I never would have brought him. So, really, I should be the one to apologize. Do you want some water?”

She nodded her tear-streaked face. “Please. Oh shit, the store...”

“Little One said she’d take care of things. She’s adorable.”

“Is...” she hiccupped and choked on the water she was drinking. I clapped her gently on the back, taking notice of being able to feel each one of her vertebrae. “Thanks,” she said when she was able. “Is he still here?”

“Yeah, but she’s going to take care of him and send him home. I'll meet up with him later, unless you want me to go.”

“No!” Bella practically screamed. “Please, Em, I haven’t felt this whole in a while. I missed you.”

“I missed you too. You have no idea how hard it’s been.” Bella gave me a look. “Okay, you know how hard it’s been. Still,” I said, running my fingers through her hair, “we’ve all missed you, a lot.”
Tears forced their way to the surface and rolled down her cheeks. “Can we go talk? Please? I don’t live far from here.”

“Of course. Do you have a purse or anything?”

“Shit, I'll have to text Ali and get her to...”

“Here, Bella,” Alice said, opening the door. “I thought you might need this. Your pills are in the inside pocket. Emmett, please take her home. HE said for you to call when you’re ready and he’ll pick you up.”

“Thanks, Alice, I owe you,” Bella said.

“I can think of a few ways you can repay me,” she said, smirking. “Now, get out of here before I change my mind.” She bent down and gave Bella a kiss. “You, sir, thank you. It’s a pleasure to finally meet Mr. Dimples. Don’t fuck with my girl, eh?”

I stood with Bella, bent down, and gave Alice a kiss on the top of her spiky head. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Bells, if Jasper’s home can you send him down here?”

“Sure thing. Please promise you’ll cover the security cameras or erase the tape if you two decide to...you know.”

I roared. “Bells, you slay me! The shyest girl on the planet works at a porn store and still can’t say the word sex out loud. Did I not teach you anything when we were younger and watched dirty movies in my room?” I hugged her, suddenly overcome with joy. “It’s so good to have you back.”




You can find all of my stories over on fanfiction.net at www.fanfiction.net/~leelanoleander or over on Twilighted.net under the pen name oleander. :)

Ici on parle français.

Because I live in Canada's only officially bilingual province, I speak both English and French. I was anglophone-born, but can function in the francophone community easily. Well, it'd be easier if I wasn't so shy speaking it. I work for the government so I speak both at work.

If I could lean another language, I think it would be Korean. We have such a booming Korean community here that it would definitely be an asset to be able to help the new arrivals get settled in the community, not to mention I deal with several Korean clients on a weekly basis.

I have tried several times this week to update but my internet connection has crapped out on me each and every time, therefore I have deduced that it was not meant to be.

So...since the last time my slacker ass has bothered to post something, some things have happened. The big thing is that NEW MOON came out! Sophie and I packed up Angstward and drove to Moncton on November 19th after work to see it since we hadn't originally been able to get tickets here in town. It was a blast! We rented a hotel room, sat on a nice carpeted hallway for three hours and met a couple of super cool chicas who were actually our age!

Angstward is trying to show he's just as broody as Robert Pattinson.


The movie itself didn't let me down. There were a couple of scenes I would have liked to have seen, such as when Bella loses her shit when they are leaving the Volturi, and it would have been nice to have more time with the wolf pack, but I can live with what I saw. The only downsides to it were the annoying tinkling when Edward's skin sparkled in the dream sequence at the beginning, and Alice's clothes. Other than the knit wristwarmers she wore in the school scene when she jumps over the stair railing, her clothes were dated and made her look old.

But really, since New Moon is my favourite book in the series I was afraid that they might not be able to pull it off, but they did. It's a hard book to do since most of it is Bella moping around, being sad, and moping some more. Chris Weitz did us good and he pulled it off. The actors were stronger this time too, KStew didn't take twenty minutes to spit out three lines of dialogue, and Taylor really pulled his weight. Poor Rob really needs to learn to enunciate. Sweetheart, we want to hear what you have to say because although you're beautiful, your lines are just as important as your beauty. ;)

The wolves were great, both the actors and the actual CGI wolves. I can't wait to meet them in July when Sophie, Diana, and I go to TwiCon in Toronto. Yup, I drank the kool-aid and I'm actually flying to another city to go to a Twilight convention. :) It'll be my first time on a plane, my first time in Toronto, and my first time meeting Diana face-to-face.

Hmm...what else is new...Oh, I am writing a new fanfic called Encore and it's posted over on fanfiction.net. You can find it on my profile (www.fanfiction.net/~leelanoleander) It's been getting pretty good reviews and I'm thrilled to have three awesome friends helping me out by being betas for me. Seems I have some problems with context...eh, Ainslie? *snicker*

Oh, I submitted my abstract for the Critical Perspectives on Twilight anthology. I don't know if it's what they're looking for or not. I guess I'll find out eventually. The response I received from the survey was overwhelming; I mean, I've got over 100 pages of printed responses from 78 respondents. I was floored by the detailed and wonderful anecdotes people submitted. Regardless of whether the abstract is accepted, I'm still going to put together a piece and send it out to those people who were interested in my findings.

I spoke to a writing class about fanfiction recently and it went well. I think that the more we talk about fanfiction the less stigma there will be about it. So many people are ashamed to tell people that they write or read TwiFic and it's a shame. There are some extremely well-written pieces in the TwiFandom, and it's a shame that people don't know about it.

On that note, I am going to end off with my most recent fanfic faves:

Bella and the Billionaire by nashstheory
Maybe by 107yearoldvirgin
Black Swan by Raven Jadewolf
Picture Window by nerac
Master of the Universe by Snowqueens Icedragon

I'm so exhausted that I'm not making sense anymore. I shall leave thee until next time.

I am furious at myself right now.  I just spend the past 45 minutes writing something here and with one flick of a mouse pad, BAM, it disappears.

Short story longer...I was trying to pimp out a survey i'm doing to gather data for a piece i'm working on about TwiFic.  If you are so inclined to lend a poor girl a hand, you can find the survey here.  I need all the help I can get since there is really so little out there about TwiFic.  I'm relying on all the wonderful people in the community to lend a hand.  I'm thrilled to have had the response that I've had so far, with some pretty big names in TwiFic taking the time to answer a few questions for me.

Then I posted a silly picture of my buddy Angstward from this summer:



And then I pimped out some great fanfics I've been reading:

Broken Doll by RowanMoon
Guarding Edward by Katmom
Immersion by Katmom
Singularity by Openhome
Coalescence by Openhome
Wide Awake by angstgoddess003
Clipped Wings and Inked Armor by hunterhunting
Maybe I'm Amazed by AliceDances01
Poughkeepsie by Mrs.TheKing
Progress by 107yearoldvirgin
The Ex-Factor by AngelAtTwilight
Resident Geek by cdunbar
Landscapes by lambcullen
Tides of Fate by SparklingTwilight

And of course, I need to pimp myself, Leelan Oleander

Okay, before my crappy free wifi connection craps out, I'll end off.  I'll be updating my favourite FFs more often, and PLEASE come on over and answer my questions.  I promise it won't hurt...too much.

This is the most recent/updated photo slideshow for my fanfic story Road Maps.

These photos go with my Twilight fanfic "Road Maps" which can be found on http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1917215/

Just when you think that only getting 2.5 hours of sleep is going to bring down the wrath of every angry god out there and the world will fall apart around you, a series of events happens and you realize that sleep deprivation caused by Daylights Saving Time is just a small, minute blip on the radar.

First off, Amanda Ashby amandaashby.blogspot.com posts a picture of my sweet Knuckles on her blog and it made me a very proud momma, in fact, the ladies at work were all gushing over how handsome he is.  I basked in the glow of his success as the literary tiger that he is and it's still keeping me warm (or is that the heating pad I had to buy to soothe my sore hip?)

Second, my absolute favourite techie in the world tells me that my new computer (for the office) has arrived and it will be operational within the next 24 hours!  Anyone who knows me knows that I agonize every day over the fact that it takes 10 minutes to load up Excel or even Outlook on that craptastic piece of outdated machinery.  My new monitor is a wide screen model and can flip to portrait mode so now I can use that hot new fake poster for New Moon as my desktop if i want, without distorting Robert Pattinson's lovely body. 

Oh crap, did i just write that out loud?

Third, Evermore by Alyson Noel came in today and i've been looking forward to reading it.

Fourth, I found a Sherrilyn Kenyon book I wanted at Walmart for a very reduced price.  Hooray!

Fifth, and the scariest of all, I went to my writing class tonight and my instructor (gods love him, he's a riot!) suggested strongly that I submit an excerpt of what I've been working on for a local literary "magazine."  I'm freaked out because it's all very rough and it's a total revamping of a story that I had been working on for the past three or four years.  My mentor, the lovely Lesley Crewe (www.lesleycrewe.com) suggested I take the original story, which moved quite slowly, and jazz it up.  She also suggested that my characters needed some oomph.  Well, I don't know if anyone will recognize them now except by name because they are SO not the same people.  But then again, I am SO not the same person I was back when I first started writing it.  (Did I just lose credibility for using SO like that?)  I decided to let them go crazy and crazy they went. 

So, someday i'd like to shop the story around (if i finish it) and I was afraid that by publishing it in a local literary journal that it might nullify this teensy dream i have, but he assured me that if I label it as an excerpt from a longer piece that publishers won't frown as much.  I hope so.

Guess I had better get to work and get 'er done because Friday, she is sooner than later.

I should also bathe in the wonderfulness that was today because tomorrow is Tuesday and I can't stress it enough:  NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM A TUESDAY.  I'm sorry if anyone was born on a Tuesday and I realize that books, cds and dvds come out on Tuesday and sometimes that's good, but as a general rule, Tuesdays are hell.  Give me a month of Mondays over a single Tuesday any day!

Bonne nuit!

I finally received my copy of Zombie Queen of Newbury High on Thursday and read it this morning, in one sitting.  It was fantastic!  I really needed to cleanse my palate as I've been reading nothing but paranormal smut lately (those damn Dark-Hunters are all-consuming!)

Mia Barrett is your typical, normal Buffy/Angel-obsessed fangeek who somehow grabs the attention of the football team hottie in residence Rob.  Unsure why (but not necessarily caring why) he's with her, she grows suspicious that she might be losing him to the prom-queen-wench Samantha, so she enlists the help of her hypochondriac best friend Candace to come up with a way to keep Rob.  Candace introduces her to her "herbalist" who sells her a love spell, which is actually a zombie virus.  Mia inadvertantly infects the entire senior class and a smattering of teachers and all hell breaks loose.  How is Mia going to clean up this mess?

The book is intelligent, witty, fun and peppered with wonderful pop-culture nuggets.

  Even Knuckles enjoyed it!

I have no problem whatsoever pimping books.  Books are wonderful things and everyone should read...a lot.

Today i'm pimping out Zombie Queen of Newbury High by Amanda Ashby because who doesn't love a story of a prom gone wrong that involves zombies?  I think it's a brilliant concept and I can't wait to read it when it comes out!!

Is it sad that I read TWO books this weekend and i'm dying to start on a third?  I am totally absorbed in the Dark-Hunter series by Sherrilyn Kenyon at the moment and I can't seem to get motivated to anything but curl up with a book or my laptop.

I suppose I have to hurry up because the new Nalini Singh book is coming out soon and I'm dying to read that.  I've already got it ordered.

I digress...

When people ask me what i'm reading, I quite often don't know what to tell them.  "Uh, well, i'm reading...uh, a book about a Greek demi-god who, uh, is trapped, naked, uh, in a book...he's a sex slave *cough* and if you summon him from the book he has to boink you silly for 30 days."

I usually get a lot of strange looks. 

It's had to explain to the uninitiated the value and literary worthiness of paranormal erotica/urban fantasy/smutty vampires.  Once I break down their barriers and get them to read a little bit they usually get hooked, but it's the initial introduction that's hard.

Is it so wrong to love my smutty vampires, sexy cold-as-ice Psy, warm and (sometimes) cuddly Changelings, Dark-Hunters, NightKeepers...sigh...

With the advent of the new genre title "Urban Fantasy" I think that these books will be given a better chance of being discovered.  The writing is fantastic, the stories are hot and pure escapism at its best, not to mention they tend to cause serious cases of HHS (Happy Housewife Syndrom) which should make all men out there quite happy.

So implore you, my fellow readers, to shake off the embarrassment of being caught reading paranormal smut and revel in the joy that it brings.



 

Funny this is today's questions because the current 649 jackpot is $48 million and we've talked about this all day at the office.

First thing i'd do is pay off the enormous Student Loan debt that I have and tell that bitch at the collection agency to shove it up her ass!  Then I'd take care of my friends and family (they've put up with a lot of crap...they deserve lots!)  Then i'd travel because i've never been anywhere.

I would gather all of my LEX friends for TwiCon in Dallas and rent a floor at a hotel so we could ALL finally be together.

A chunk of my winnings would go to charity for sure.  Probably the SPCA, the Canadian Lung Association, The Red Cross, the local food bank, the public library...

Then I'd find someplace inspiring to live, write, and read paranormal smut.  And if necessary, I would buy a hot man to worship me like the goddess i wish i was.  ;)

Nalini Singh, author of the wonderful Psy/Changeling Series, has a brand new series coming out, this time we're entering the world of archangels, Guild Hunters and other paranormal creatures.

Two friends of mine won early copies and have said that it's fantastic, as I had assumed. If this series is as entrancing and endearing as Psy/Changeling is, then I'm sure I'll be hooked from the get-go. I can't wait for the books to come out!

I am not a big proponent of celebrating Valentine's Day.  It is a construct of mass consumerism geared toward those hapless fools who are in lurve.  If they had VDay quarterly, I would imagine that our declining economy would receive the boost it so desperately needs.

Hallmark lives for February 14th.  In fact, I bet that they focus 90% of their workforce on this particular day, leaving their second-rate slogan writers to fend for themselves with birthday greetings, bar mitzvah money holders, sympathy cards and other minutia.   Be weary of cards purchased around the middle of February for they shall be of slightly less high standard and lack the usual cheesy quality Hallmark boasts the rest of the year.

Okay, fine.  I will admit it.  I am perpetually single and I have ALWAYS had a hate on for VDay.  Even when I was in elementary school  I was the fat kid that no one really liked so I was always the one with the least amount of cards in her decorated bag.  I was the one who received the broken cookie pieces because no one wanted to impress me.  I am the one who sits alone on this day every year while her friends (those coupled, engaged or smug married) spend the day being all lovey-dovey.

Gag me.

Valentine's Day is another day that makes the singles of the world feel inadequate and frankly I get enough of that the other 364 days of the year.  Couples already have anniversaries to celebrate their love...why force another day on the world so the rest of us have to feel like crap?

To make things even funnier...THE most single girl in my corporation won the big Valentine's Day basket draw today.  Yup!  It was me.  My co-workers were all laughing and saying that I would probably take my cat to the romantic night at the Amsterdam Inn.

Isn't that sad?  The only man in my life has four legs and more body hair than I do, which is sad and nothing short of a miracle.

I have a couple...since this is my blog, then i shall list my pet peeves accordingly.

1.  I HATE when people leave cupboard doors and drawers open.  I don't know why, but it stirs up the evils in me and it makes me crazy!  I had a co-worker who, upon discovering this particular PP of mine, would insist on leaving the microwave door wide open just to see how long it would take me to shut it.

2.  The overuse of the word LIKE!  Oh good lord, it's driving me crazy!  I realize that I am guilty of it too, but not to the extent of some people.  There's nothing more painful than sitting and listening to someone try to make a presentation when their entire speech is littered with LIKE.  "Like, today I wanted to, like, talk to you, like about Picasso.  He was, like, a painter, who like, painted things.  Some of his, like, paintings looked, like, normal, but most of them were, like considered to be moderately, like cubist and abstract."

Does hearing this make you think of a university educated person?  NO!  Each time the word "like" is abused your IQ drops two points.  I think this has been the hardest part about returning to university (as a "mature" adult) for me...dealing with a stupid little four-letter word.

Oh, and might I add that people misspelling an author's name if it's not spelled in the conventional way.  How many times have I seen Stephenie Meyer's name butchered?  Ugh!  It's especially annoying when it's a reputable news outlet doing a piece on one of her books/movies.  What happened to responsible journalism?  Oh yeah, today's journalists come from, like, the new school, like, where everyone abuses, like, words and like inserts random 'likes' here and there.  Who has time to properly spell someone's name? 

Someday when I publish a book (ha!) and I'm raking in the cash (double HA!) I know that people will spell my name wrong (because they always do) and they will have to watch their backs...i am a trained stealth ninja and I will find a way to hunt them down and massacre the spelling of their names with my twin swords of nomenclature fury.

Here's a random photo:  If I could be anywhere right now, this is where I would want to be.  At the C-Shanty in Nova Scotia.  No pet peeves can bother you here, it's nothing but blue skies, sandy beaches, warm temperatures (in summer), orange sunsets, and no stress for miles.

My mom used to call me her little Eeyore when I was a kid.  Seems I was really melancholic.  Okay, I was a downright depressed kid so it's only logical that I would identify with him.  Ho hum...sigh...guess no one wants to play with me...sigh...ho hum...looks like it's going to rain, why bother...